Lump of Fear

I used to be terrified of being real. Being the real me would expose who I really was, and people would see me and be very disappointed. I felt inadequate to do what was required of me. Fear had me good. Living with someone who reminded me every day of my inadequacies made it even harder to climb over the mountain of fear.

Inadequate:

Lacking the quality or quantity required. Insufficient for a purpose. Unable to deal with situations or with life.

That definition is exactly how I felt, and that was my reality. The Devil had me craftily believing his lies. Or so he thought. For a very long time I believed that I was only who he said I was. Believing this lie caused me to hide and run away from the things I needed to do. I didn’t feel like I was enough.  I felt that God had made a very, very big mistake placing me in the middle of ministry. I kept telling God I didn’t have what it takes. And He reminded me many times that He would give me the tools that I needed. But I was too wrapped up in my own self that I couldn’t understand or believe what God was telling me.

I remember sitting with leaders and speakers in meetings on the platform and feeling as thought I was someone who had been invited to the wrong party. I had no idea what I was doing, and I felt as if I was watching a movie. I was kind of living the motto “fake it until you make it.” I was terrified. But I always put my brave on and did what I needed to do. I felt as I couldn’t speak right, do right, or wear the right things. I remember one of the first times I had to do greeting in Canada at the women’s conference – I nearly passed out. I’m not even kidding. I tried to quietly work for God and stay as much as I could in the background, in my comfort zone not being seen or heard. I loved people, and hoped that just smiling and loving them would be enough because it was the only thing I knew how to do well. I wasn’t much allowed to shine next to my husband either. He kept me in my place, and if I thought I had done a good job at something, he quickly reminded me that it was him all along who’d done everything. Him. Not me. Fear kept me believing that life would never change or get better. I was grasping for air, for freedom, for someone to tell me that I was loved and accepted and that things would get better eventually. 

This is the very place where the enemy of your soul wants to keep you and me. God has placed an eternity in our souls. I knew deep down in my heart that this was not all I was created to be. I had to fight and break a lot of barriers on my way. It takes time and courage to start climbing over to the other side. On the other side of fear is freedom. Freedom to be me, to feel loved not by man but by God. The moment I quit believing the lies the enemy was whispering in my ear and believed the truths of whom Christ says I am, things started to pick up.

You are fully loved and accepted, and nothing and no one can take it away. Whatever you did or didn’t do wouldn’t make God love you any less. You don’t need the approval of anyone else. Just rest in this truth that you are the daughter of the most high God. Always. Period.

I was already invited in. I have a place at the table just with my name on it. I could fully enter all God has for me on the same ground that anyone else can. There was nothing wrong with me. I just had to learn to love and embrace me. To live loved as God’s daughter. Lisa TerKeurst puts it this way: “Live from a deep assurance that you are fully loved, and you won’t find yourself begging other for scraps of love.” (Uninvited, Study Guide pg. 9)

It took a while for you to end up where you are, and it will take time and work to change the patterns of our thought process to get out of where you are. Instead of fearing man, God taught me how to fear Him more than man. This changed everything. If God’s got my back, who am I to fear? If I am walking in His ways, loving and serving Him with all I have, nothing else really matters. If I fail, which sometimes, most definitely I will, He will be there to take me in. I started believing who God really says I am in Him. It wasn’t about me at all, but it was about Him. It wasn’t about my honor or shame; it was about God’s honor. He is who He says He is, and He never changes or fails.

Start believing today that you are loved, forever loved, and accepted at the table.

Jesus is calling you and me out of the darkness and out of the thinking patterns that we are never going to be enough. It’s a lie. You are invited in, and you have a place at the table.

“He reached down from on high and took hold of me; he drew me out of deep waters.” 2 Samuel 22:17