Lump of Fear

I used to be terrified of being real. Being the real me would expose who I really was, and people would see me and be very disappointed. I felt inadequate to do what was required of me. Fear had me good. Living with someone who reminded me every day of my inadequacies made it even harder to climb over the mountain of fear.

Inadequate:

Lacking the quality or quantity required. Insufficient for a purpose. Unable to deal with situations or with life.

That definition is exactly how I felt, and that was my reality. The Devil had me craftily believing his lies. Or so he thought. For a very long time I believed that I was only who he said I was. Believing this lie caused me to hide and run away from the things I needed to do. I didn’t feel like I was enough.  I felt that God had made a very, very big mistake placing me in the middle of ministry. I kept telling God I didn’t have what it takes. And He reminded me many times that He would give me the tools that I needed. But I was too wrapped up in my own self that I couldn’t understand or believe what God was telling me.

I remember sitting with leaders and speakers in meetings on the platform and feeling as thought I was someone who had been invited to the wrong party. I had no idea what I was doing, and I felt as if I was watching a movie. I was kind of living the motto “fake it until you make it.” I was terrified. But I always put my brave on and did what I needed to do. I felt as I couldn’t speak right, do right, or wear the right things. I remember one of the first times I had to do greeting in Canada at the women’s conference – I nearly passed out. I’m not even kidding. I tried to quietly work for God and stay as much as I could in the background, in my comfort zone not being seen or heard. I loved people, and hoped that just smiling and loving them would be enough because it was the only thing I knew how to do well. I wasn’t much allowed to shine next to my husband either. He kept me in my place, and if I thought I had done a good job at something, he quickly reminded me that it was him all along who’d done everything. Him. Not me. Fear kept me believing that life would never change or get better. I was grasping for air, for freedom, for someone to tell me that I was loved and accepted and that things would get better eventually. 

This is the very place where the enemy of your soul wants to keep you and me. God has placed an eternity in our souls. I knew deep down in my heart that this was not all I was created to be. I had to fight and break a lot of barriers on my way. It takes time and courage to start climbing over to the other side. On the other side of fear is freedom. Freedom to be me, to feel loved not by man but by God. The moment I quit believing the lies the enemy was whispering in my ear and believed the truths of whom Christ says I am, things started to pick up.

You are fully loved and accepted, and nothing and no one can take it away. Whatever you did or didn’t do wouldn’t make God love you any less. You don’t need the approval of anyone else. Just rest in this truth that you are the daughter of the most high God. Always. Period.

I was already invited in. I have a place at the table just with my name on it. I could fully enter all God has for me on the same ground that anyone else can. There was nothing wrong with me. I just had to learn to love and embrace me. To live loved as God’s daughter. Lisa TerKeurst puts it this way: “Live from a deep assurance that you are fully loved, and you won’t find yourself begging other for scraps of love.” (Uninvited, Study Guide pg. 9)

It took a while for you to end up where you are, and it will take time and work to change the patterns of our thought process to get out of where you are. Instead of fearing man, God taught me how to fear Him more than man. This changed everything. If God’s got my back, who am I to fear? If I am walking in His ways, loving and serving Him with all I have, nothing else really matters. If I fail, which sometimes, most definitely I will, He will be there to take me in. I started believing who God really says I am in Him. It wasn’t about me at all, but it was about Him. It wasn’t about my honor or shame; it was about God’s honor. He is who He says He is, and He never changes or fails.

Start believing today that you are loved, forever loved, and accepted at the table.

Jesus is calling you and me out of the darkness and out of the thinking patterns that we are never going to be enough. It’s a lie. You are invited in, and you have a place at the table.


“He reached down from on high and took hold of me; he drew me out of deep waters.” 2 Samuel 22:17

Road in the Wilderness

Any battle you are facing, if you are hanging on to Jesus, He’ll bring you out. It may last for days, months, sometimes even years; you might get tired, hurt, exhausted, and just about to give up hope… God said, “I will even make a road in the wilderness.” (Isaiah 43:19)  It really is a miracle to have a road in a middle of your desert, but He is able to do it.  Don’t stop believing until you find your “road,” your way out. Seek God with all your heart. No matter the heartache or the pain you are experiencing, He wants to be the one to bring you out. God wants us to find peace even in the storm. The end to your pain will come, it’s just a matter of time.  I had never felt as close to God as I felt during my wilderness. He was all I had, and I clung to Him. 

This scripture comforted and brought me hope so many times throughout my journey. I kept reminding myself that God has a way out of what ever I was going through at the time.

He will miraculously rescue and pull you out of your desperate times. Sometimes I asked Him, “God, you helped me out of that one, but how are you going to get me out of this one?” Things looked impossible, but that’s the kind of business God operates the best. He rarely works same way twice.

His ultimate desire is to teach us to trust Him in everything in our life. God knows that when we understand this truth true peace, freedom, and joy will start dwelling in our hearts. We become fearless weapons in God’s kingdom. It’s hard, but it’s well worth it.

The situations and struggles that come our way are many times different, so the method of breakthrough will be different also. He never ceases to amaze me. He came through and delivered me or the children time and time again. Situations that looked impossible a year ago suddenly were happening right in front of my eyes. He was making good on the things that He had promised me. Things took unexpected turns, sometimes very painful ones, but the end result was fulfilled promise. Trust God even in the pain. You won’t be disappointed.

My wilderness lasted longer than I ever expected, and as I write this, it’s still going on in some way. You see, we don’t often control how long our difficulties last, but we can control our attitude while we go through it. Be aware that sometimes we unfortunately can prolong our own suffering… I fought God, asking Him many times, “How long is this going to last, and when is this going to end?” My trial was painful and hopeless to go through it with this mindset until I realized that in each difficulty God was teaching me something about His character — who He really is and what He wanted to do in my life. He was teaching me to trust Him. A lot of what you are going through has everything to do what God wants to reveal to you.

Some of the prolonged pains I was having were a direct result of my failure to obey what God was telling me to do at that point.

Obedience is a key of finding our “way out”!

When I let go of things, followed His voice, and did sometimes-hard things — scary, painful things — there was soon a shift in the way God moved things forward. Seek God and find out what hard thing, breaking, or lesson is there to be learned in your wilderness. You see, God uses everything that happens in our life to bring glory to His name.  Don’t think for a second that this life is about you or me. It’s not. It’s about God and His honor. Think about it — whose honor is at hand when the evil prevails in your life? He has promised in His word to bring you and your family out. God cannot deny himself. He is a sovereign God; His ways are higher than our ways, so don’t even try to make sense of everything that’s happening to you. Many times it makes no sense right. Just trust Him in the process. 

This lesson became clear to me one summer night in August 2017. I was visiting my parents in Finland. Because of the midnight sun in Finland, it was only dusk. It had been almost three years since my battle to freedom started. This night I had had it… I left the house at 12 am to go for a talk with God… I was mad. Really mad. I walked to the railway and sat there on top of some tree trunks that were waiting to be hauled away. I cried, yelled, prayed, and cried and yelled some more. I was so mad that God knew the truth of what had happened to us, yet He was not exonerating me. He was allowing my ex-husband to flourish. He was still going about twisting the truth, preaching and speaking lies about me. I said to God, “Where is my honor, and when are people going to see the truth?? This is so unfair to me. How am I going to be anything in Your Kingdom if you are not going to set things right… Then it hit me. Me. My. I. What a fool have I been…Then God gently spoke to my heart, “Your honor? As long as you think this is about you, nothing will happen. When you get that this is about My honor instead of yours, your victory is just around the corner.” Ouch. It was time to repent. It was time to ugly cry. “Lord this is not about me, it’s about you. I am so sorry for being selfish, thinking that I am someone who deserved any honor. I don’t. I trust you fully that my time to come out will come.” One week after this encounter, I received a call that changed a lot of things. And later I received a court document stating that the judge had ruled in my favor.  The document was dated exactly one week after my surrender. Only God.

God will sustain you in your desert. “I will even make… rivers in the desert,” says Isaiah 43:19. He will feed you, give you hope, give you a word, and just enough to sustain you for that day. That’s why you live in today. Don’t worry about tomorrow. “His mercies are new every morning.” (Lamentations 3:22) Breathe in and breathe out. Your life is fully in God’s hand.

Your struggle will be the one thing that will make you who God made you to be! 

Embrace the Journey

Embrace the journey. Yes, the very difficult one. The one that keeps you up at night. The one that hurts you to the core and takes your breath away. This was one of the hardest lessons I had to learn. I didn’t want to embrace it… I wanted it to end… Like right there and then. I wanted my pain to go away. I wanted a short cut, the easy way out, but God was not hearing any of it. I was like a child throwing a temper tantrum at God demanding Him to give me what I wanted.  But in God’s economy things just don’t work that way. He wanted me to walk thought the pain, face it head on, because He knew that’s where I would find who I am in HIM. And I did. It built spiritual grit in me that made me the fighter that I am today.

The devil knows the danger against the darkness that you will become when you find out who you really are in Christ, and he will do everything in the world to make you quit. He will hit you in the areas that hurt you the most: your health, your children, your emotions, or anything that is your weak spot. You name it, He knows it. The Bible says, “The devil goes around like roaring lion, seeking whom he can devour.” Don’t fool yourself into thinking that he feels any pity on you when you’re suffering. He wants you dead. That’s why we need to stand strong in the truth, relentlessly going after things of God. We must stay standing in the word and in the promises God has spoken over our lives. The devil will flee when you take authority in Jesus name and speak to the things that are taking over your life.

Read God’s word and claim the promises that speak to your exact situation. One of the promises that I literally clung on to was Isaiah 54:13, “Your children will be taught by the Lord, and great will be their peace.” My fear was that my children would wear labels over their lives such as “from a broken family,” “product of divorce,” “no father figure to teach them to do what is right,” etc. The truth is that a “good” family wasn’t even there in the first place.  It was already broken.  They already had a father-sized whole in their hearts even while we were still together, but the perception was that we looked whole. To expose the truth to other people’s judgements was very hard. With this scripture God was soothing my fears, and it was the truth nugget I continuously went back to when things got tough. And you can do the same.

I was on my own with the kids now. The only thing protecting us was God.  When my children were suffering from the things that were done to them, or when my children were behaving in the ways I didn’t know how to handle them, I kept speaking this promise over their lives. I kept petitioning God about what He had promised me when I made the very scary decision to leave my abusive husband. When one of my children was screaming in agony and hurting herself when she was forced by the courts to do things she didn’t want to do, I was fighting with God saying, “You promised me that Great shall be their peace! When is it going to come?” At times I would stay awake during the middle of the night staring at my littlest one, knowing I was unable to save him. A mother is most desperate when her babies are in danger. The truth is that regardless of the pain we are going through we need to trust God to work things out for our good. Sometimes what feels like rejection from God’s end is the very thing that will lead you to victory. There is protection that sometimes feels like God’s rejection.

There was a time when my son was getting hurt and no one was allowing me to put a stop to it –  not the law, the law guardian, or the psychologist. I had a hard time understanding why God wouldn’t protect him. He was my baby. I felt so rejected by God. It just didn’t make any sense to me. I was in agony and unable to sleep and face another day. During the night while staying awake and praying for my son, God gave me these words, “Rejection will lead to his protection.” He was calling me to trust in Him, even when I couldn’t understand what He was about to do. God was actually getting ready to use that unfortunate and painful event to make a great miracle. As I let my son go, a sequence of events began that completely changed our life. The rejection was the very thing that made a way to his protection. You might not understand the pain at the time, but know and remember that God sees your pain and weeps with you and will use that pain as a way to your freedom. No tears are in vain.

There is protection that sometimes feels like God’s rejection. 

Ps. 34:19-20

A righteous person may have many troubles, but the Lord delivers him from them all; He protects all his bones, not one of them will be broken.

May your prayer today be as you are going through you journey, “God, help me go through it because you promised to be right beside me.”  Freedom is on the other side of your struggle. Embrace the journey, don’t fight against it. There is so much potential for us to learn about God while we are facing our greatest adversaries.

Broken Love

We all have to learn the delicate balance of allowing ourselves to be wronged at times, but not allowing ourselves to be set aside over and over again in a serious relationship. If you allow yourself to be set aside over and over again, it rips you from your self-dignity and self-love. When we are desperate for someone to love us, we start compromising who we really are. That is not what love was meant to do for anyone. Love, real love, is supposed to leave you feeling secure, never earned or worked for. If you find yourself working too hard for someone to love you, you are probably in an unhealthy relationship. When someone loves you, they will come after you. They will find you without you working overtime to make them love you. You are a precious treasure that someone is waiting to find. Keep your gems securely inside, and don’t give them away until it’s the right time.

Here are some truths that apply if you find yourself married or in a serious relationship with a person who continually disrespects, demeans, and leaves you feeling confused. If you’re not currently in an abusive relationship, these principles will allow you to best protect your heart from pain if you are looking for love:

Know your value:

Daughter, know your value. You are loved, forever loved, and accepted. Don’t ever make the mistake I made of trying to work harder and harder for someone to love me. The truth is that if a person makes you earn their love, they are themselves broken, unable to love even themselves. It’s a losing battle, where there are no winners. The love they are giving you is broken love.  It really is the worst thing you can do. You are responsible for no one’s happiness. There are people, broken people, out there who will stop at nothing to hurt your heart. It’s how they live, operate, and survive. They need a supply of someone’s pain to feed their sick soul. They are dangerous people to be in the relationship with because they will slowly, quietly kill your soul. It’s not easy to spot them, and lot of times you don’t see them until it’s too late.

There are people, broken people, out there who will stop at nothing to hurt your heart. It’s how they live, operate, and survive. They need a supply of someone’s pain to feed their sick soul.

Be transparent about your relationship:

My advice would be this: be as transparent about your relationship as you can, and let people who love and care for you the most know what goes on. My mistake was that I hid most of the abuse, which allowed him to continue fully thinking that I wouldn’t ever tell. One of the last things he told me after coming out was, “I thought you said you’d never tell.” He said this with the hurting face, almost like I had broken his heart.  Yes, he had counted on me keeping his secrets, but eventually I had gotten strong enough to tell the truth. I had made him feel that I would never tell people what he had done to the point that he thought he was safe to keep doing what he was doing. Well, it had been 16 years. But he didn’t know that God had, years before, started a master plan of awakening me to do the hard things.

Cover yourself:

People can’t help you if they don’t know.  If something doesn’t feel right, sound it off with someone who has more experience and has your best interest at heart.  If you have a history of making bad choices in relationships, the more important the principle becomes. Cover yourself. Talk to your friends, family or pastor. You might miss important red flags that other people with no emotional ties will see. Be open to admitting you’ve made a mistake. We all make mistakes. Sometimes the pride in us keeps us letting the loved ones around us know what really is happening in our life. Many other reasons such as fear, shame, and love for that person can also stop us from opening up. And know this, you are never too deep in a relationship, or even in marriage if it turns abusive, for you to turn around and say, “I don’t want this.” You have a voice, so use it. You are never too deep for God to help you and pull you out of what ever situation you find yourself in. You have to remember this. It is never your fault if someone decides to hurt you physically or verbally break you down. You chose a beautiful thing to love a person. The other person chose to misuse that love and take it for granted. Don’t blame yourself for loving, but know this:  sometimes there comes a time when you have to walk away and never look back.

Be emotionally healthy:

The best defense for making good relationship choices is that your heart and self-esteem is healthy. If you know this is an area of weakness, it can set you up for a failure. Even if you find yourself a good man who is wonderful, he cannot be responsible for fixing you heart. Many marriages struggle because of this. Find yourself and allow God to fill those empty holes in your soul that no man can fill. Learn to love yourself, seek counsel, read books, go after the things of God, and do what ever it takes to get you heart healthy.

A year and a half later after I had left, I found myself pleading with God to make me whole. My heart was shredded into million pieces and I so desperately wanted to be whole. I didn’t want to be person anymore who begged people for scraps of love. I knew I needed help. It became almost a life obsession on my part. I was determined to find my healing. I was telling God, “Make me whole again.” I was desperate.  I was intentional. And I think that is what God honors. When He sees we are desperate for Him to change our lives, He bends His ear to hear.  I sat for hours outside at end of summer 2016 drinking my coffee and desperate for change in my heart. I studied the word, surrounded myself with loving friends, went to therapy, read books like Uninvited by Lysa TerKeurst, Unashamed by Christine Caine, and The Lioness Arising by Lisa Bevere. I went on a quest for healing.  God really started deep healing process in my heart that no one else could have done. This process was painful because I had to look at myself honestly and find the holes in my heart that allowed a person to degrade, demean, and devalue me for over 16 years. The damage he’d made to my heart was deep. I cried many, many tears. But, oh, the sweetness of life when the love of Jesus started pouring into my desperate broken heart and started to put it back together piece by piece. My life started broken but ended with beauty. It really is beauty from the ashes, from brokenness to beauty!  I love Jesus so much for what He did for me, and this is the reason I write today.

This love and truth is available for everyone.

Nothing will ever be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus. Romans 8:39

Joy does Come in the Morning

If I could hold you, my friend, and tell you the pain doesn’t last forever, I would do it. I was screaming more than once just begging God to take my pain away. This was agony, a serious emotional pain to the point of feeling physical pain in my body. There was no more pain that I could humanly take. I wanted it to end. But somehow I kept going. I had no choice but to keep going. I held on to God like He was the only one who could save me. Little did I know that holding on to God was the very thing that would save our lives. I was up against something far stronger than I could handle on my own. I was married to man who abused us mentally, verbally, and physically. I was about to battle for freedom from a personality type that doesn’t allow you to leave without you suffering serious consequences. I knew this in the back of my mind. 

I knew living in abuse was many times easier than getting out.  Freedom was going to cost me everything — he made sure of it.  The high cost of leaving is a sad reality for many women and children. You have to be wise, and it takes a whole lot of courage to take steps into the unknown. It was hard partly because I was already beaten down mentally and emotionally. I had no value; I didn’t love myself. He had made me believe that I was a total looser, worth nothing. He had made me think that he was actually the one suffering and not me. This is what mental abuse does. Not even people closest to me understood what was going on. I was conditioned to obey his ways because obedience was the right “spiritual” thing to do. How crazy is this: I was trying to get my value from the very thing that took it away.  And when the abuser thinks he owns you and tells you that you have no right to leave, things can turn ugly pretty fast. It did for me.

Somehow courage rose deep down in my soul. I had come to a point where I realized that if I didn’t do something, I would not make it for a very long time. I might die either way. I was ready to give it my all and leave.

At the time we were working in full time ministry. I made up my mind while driving from Connecticut back to New York in January 2015. I was coming home with the kids, after spending the New Year holiday with friends. I was done and so tired with life that I didn’t care if getting out cost even my life. I was already dead on the inside. I was finally desperate enough. 

The amount of shame I was carrying was like a mountain. Shame and fear kept me from reaching for freedom. They were like twins who never left my side. He was a minister of the gospel in a high position in the church. Thousands of people were looking up to us. The pressure of protecting him and the church was unbearable.  Although I didn’t know it at the time, this shame wasn’t even my shame, it was his.

Shame and fear kept me from reaching for freedom. They were like twins who never left my side.

The Devil always tries to keep us in darkness. He is the father of lies, the enemy of your soul. Jesus came so we can live in the light, in freedom, and in truth. Expose the darkness for what it is; then it will lose its power over you. 


But everything exposed by the light becomes visible—and everything that is illuminated becomes a light. Ephesians 5:13  (NIV)

  Expose the darkness for what it is; then it will lose its power.

And that is exactly what I did next. Our lives were about to change forever.

Out of the Shadows

  He won’t brush aside the bruised and the hurt and he won’t disregard the small and insignificant, but he’ll steadily and firmly set things right. Isaiah 42:3 MSG

Welcome to my blog. I’m Eeva George, a single mother of three kids and a Havanese dog, Beni. We live in Long Island, New York.

First, a little bit about me… I was born and raised in Finland and got married in my twenties. Two weeks after the wedding, with two suitcases, I left everything behind and moved to Canada because my new husband lived there. In a year we became Youth Directors in the Church of God. I was only 21 years old. We were later transferred to the USA. I was leading the Girls’ Club Ministry and was working alongside my husband in full-time Christian ministry.

From the outside we were living a dream life — beautiful kids, influential in ministry, a nice house, and good cars. But from the inside we were living a nightmare where I thought I had no way out. Years of domestic abuse and secrets had kept me in shame and left me feeling hopeless. I was too ashamed to talk and too scared to leave.

In this blog, I will write about my journey and my story of how God gave me courage to fight. I pray that others will find it encouraging and be inspired to stand strong when it’s the hardest.  I finally found courage to leave in 2015, and I fought in court to get safety for the children. It became a long battle for justice and freedom. I had to overcome the reality that my husband continued to preach while we were fighting for our life.  Some leaders in ministry chose the culture of silence and for whatever reason kept truth hidden. I had to overcome the twisted legal system that allows the abuser to manipulate to his or her advantage. And many times the legal system is their favorite playground, leaving you to the mercies of lies, therapists, judges, and lawyers.  Painful. Heartbreaking. Yet in the end, so beautiful. 

Through the tears I kept going not even seeing the light at the end of the tunnel. How do you keep going, keep pushing through, when you don’t see anything happening? Or when things are just going from bad to worse. God operates in mysterious ways in these circumstances, and I can’t wait to tell you how. He did that for me and can do that for you. You don’t have to be left traumatized, bruised and broken.

God brought my kids and me out regardless of these many obstacles, but I know many women and children are coming behind us. They need a voice and need to be heard and believed. The most vulnerable should never be left alone to protect themselves.

I was fortunate enough to have very courageous individuals who came a long side of me and stood up for me when I was too weak; My God, my pastor and his wife, a handful of friends, my lawyer, and my biggest support, my family.  God even sent few “angels” to get me out and minister to me in the most difficult situations. I wouldn’t be here if it weren’t for all these people.

My children and I experienced both countless miracles of God and indescribable pain. I will share about the sweetness of life now and the hard work we have ahead finding healing. This journey taught me many truths about who God is and what He can do. I now wake up everyday being grateful for what God has done for us.

He brought me out for a reason — to give hope to the ones who don’t have it yet. To shed light on the issues that allow women and children to be abused. To start a conversation on how the church can better support and rescue women just like me. My intent is not to blame anyone, but to learn and do better. Sometimes it takes someone to speak out about the issues to bring change for the better. Because of the unique things God has allowed me to walk through, I’m able to talk about it now.

Ministers’ wives or women in church are often falling through the cracks and are left feeling shame and abandon. God is calling me out for ministry to the broken and abused ministers’ wives. They need emotional, financial, many other types of support. They just need someone to walk along side of them to let them know they are loved and they do matter. It’s not their fault, and it’s not the end. Let’s not leave them and their children alone. We can do better. Jesus came for the broken and the abandoned. Together we can change the future church.

It’s time to speak out, stand up, and be a new brave you. You too can rise up from brokenness to beauty.